Using Science In Your New Year’s Resolution
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
Children laid in their beds knowing St. Nick was near
They were bundles of joy filled with Christmas cheer
The internet was quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn
They went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn
Like a large, bearded burrito, I laid wrapped in my bed
While visions of corgis danced in my head
But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound
Like a bunch of hoof-steps and then a great pound
I rose from my sleep and put on some pants
I missed one of the leg-holes and did an awkward dance
I heard a loud rustling and thought it was looters
With my bat’leth in hand I patrolled for intruders
I saw a dark figure who held a large sack
I sneaked in behind and planned my attack
I swung and I punched with all of my might
But this dastardly fiend hardly put up a fight
I jabbed with my blade, he was pinned to the wall
Then I realized he was no intruder at all
This startling discovery gave me great pause
For I had just pummeled dear old Santa Claus
I surveyed his wounds, he was out like a light
There was no way he could finish his job on this night
I couldn’t ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys
This was my fault, so I would deliver their toys.
I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh
The reindeer were waiting to get underway
I hopped aboard and then grabbed the reins
I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names
Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John!
On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!
The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff
I googled their names, I was WAY off
Now Prancer and Vixen!
On Donner and Blitzen!
The eight magic reindeer took off in a rush
I hurried them on as I shouted, “Mush! Mush!”
We flew ‘cross the moon and jingled our bells
We flew past the ocean and its midnight swells
I slipped down chimneys and delivered the toys
I ate all the cookies left by good girls and boys
Christmas was saved, and I let out a sigh
If the children had known, they surely would cry
So yes, I beat up Santa, but he is doing just fine
He’ll be back to normal in the nick of time
The elves picked him up and treated his wounds
He’s doing very well and will recover quite soon
I said a jolly, “Ho ho ho!” when I heard he was alright
And I shouted from on high…
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”
A dark look into our distant future.
We’ve come so far.
The Disappointments Diary by Nick Asbury
Life is a bitch and then something happens to you at the end (though I forget what.. you get ice cream? Turn into a viking? Not sure), which is probably why I could never stay committed to filling out an actual planner. Well, that and the fact that I never make any plans. But why half-ass your misery? Go all in with the Disappointments Diary, a dreary reminder that every day is meaningless and could probably be your last. Purchase your own over at Disappointments Diary.
Tips from Windows95
When you abandoned Windows95 so many long years ago to the harsh elements of the basement or your nana’s house, something within it twisted. It was once your trusted companion, always offering helpful advice on how to better utilize its dazzling features, but now it wants something back: your soul. You can get your own free and possibly unholy hints at the tumblr: Windows95tips.